I can’t stop day dreaming about it (the “it,” being running). Especially on days like today, 50 degrees and sunny. I think about how I can improve, become more involved, make my workouts more intense. I sit at my desk every day in anticipation to leave and hit the ground running. Is this normal? Is this how addicts feel when they are having with drawls? Nothing satisfies such a craving except being outside with my running shoes on. I want more! Instead I am sitting behind a desk making phone calls all day, one right after the other. I like my job, except for the fact I call companies to have them reject me (for 8 hours straight). I like my employer and the others I am surrounded by but I don’t care for my job. My tasks are easy; make calls, input them, and schedule appointments. It is think less to say the least. There are no challenges. I live for a good challenge, to attain the unattainable. Instead I do the same task day in and day out 5 days a week. I can’t focus, no matter how hard I try. I’d rather be running, talking about running, writing about running, reading about running, anything but making calls to people I don’t know. I have been told I would never take a job in which my degree was concentrated in nor would I have a job I loved. All those adults were right. How does one get a job they are completely attracted to and engaged in; a job in which you can completely immerse yourself? This is what I am searching for. As you grow from a child to an adult you are told you can do and be anything you want to be. What changes upon graduating from college? Is it wanting to make money which forces us to settle? I want to love what I am doing, not just like it.
On my lunch break I take myself to one of two places; the park to run or Barnes and Nobles to read about running. I rarely eat lunch. I get to take one hour of my work day to focus on what I care about. Yesterday I read about speed work. I read from magazines, articles, and books. I prefer tangible reading materials (I don’t care for Googling everything). I like holding the book or article. Half the fun of reading is the smell and feel of the book. It is peaceful. I learned a lot about pyramid workouts (focusing on speed). My old faithful (Ashley) and I are going to test out a combination of pyramid workouts (I will keep you posted on Thursday). I am lucky to have one hour lunch breaks which allow me the time to get a small fix for my addiction. I normally return to work a little more focused.
I am still baffled about settling. I guess I settled because I have a family in which I need to help provide for. Ideally I’d like to have a job I cared about, paid well, fit the hours I want to work and provide flexibility. It seems there is a give and take in the corporate world much like everything else. My current job fits my schedule but not my personality. You can’t have it all, but I want it all. As a kid I could reach for the stars with no boundaries. Everyone around me pushed me to be the best me I could be and then something happened. I grew up. Now it is work, work, work, you are lucky to have a job, it could be worse and so on. Why do our abilities and wants shift once we graduate? As an employer I would only want to hire employees who are attracted to the job, I can retain for years to come and are engaged in their work. I would never want to hire someone who didn’t care. How did I get here?
My free spirited half dreams of joining the Peace Corps, traveling the world, being a bum, not knowing what tomorrow holds, never confining to corporate America. My realistic half has goals of being a working mother, helping with bills, staying focused, planning for the future, and doing whatever it takes for my family to have it all. I have obviously taken the realistic approach to life. By doing this I have lost a since of myself. I seem to get it back when I am running. It is my way to have the freedom and independence I have always wanted without the extremes of traveling and being homeless. Plus, I get to have my family, which I adore. My husband and daughter mean more to me than anything else in this world. My daughter is coming into her own. She has a very unique personality; full of independence and adventure. She loves being outside where she does not need toys. She has a secret hiding place for the rocks she gathers, a tree she loves to sit near, and dirt to play in. When we go to the park she prefers to go down the slide head first (this started around 11 months). Her favorite is the swings, she loves to throw her head back, she appears to almost do a back flip out of the swing. The look on her face is priceless. She is in her element once she is outside. I hope this part of her continues to grow and thrive. I have expectations for her to never settle for anything less than what makes her truly happy and fulfilled. I see a wonderful combination of my husband and myself in her. My husband is calm, put together, smart, athletic, patience, and good looking. He has qualities I lack (number one being patience). Now that I have settled in the corporate world I will not allow my daughter to do the same.
My ambition is to one day have a career which reflects and supports my life style (being a wife, mother and runner). I want to touch and meet others through my passion of leading an active life style (which is the main reason I started blogging). Running can change, unite, and impact life in an influential way. When in doubt or unfocused, RUN.